Unpacking the Motherload: How to Share the Weight of Invisible Labour

As a psychologist who works closely with women, I’ve heard many versions of the same story. It often begins with a woman saying she feels exhausted, overwhelmed, or burned out. She might talk about how she’s managing a career, raising children, caring for elderly parents, or juggling all of the above. As we dig deeper, it becomes clear that much of her stress isn’t just about what’s on her plate—it’s about the invisible labour she carries.

Invisible labour is often referred to as the "mental load." It includes all the behind-the-scenes work required to keep a household, family, or workplace running smoothly. It’s the unspoken and often unacknowledged burden of planning, remembering, and organising, and for many women, it feels never-ending.

This mental load has another name that I think really resonates: the motherload. Traditionally, a “motherload” refers to a rich source or a huge amount of something valuable. All that women do could certainly be considered rich and valuable.

While it can weigh heavily on mothers, it’s not limited to them. Many women—whether they have children or not—feel this invisible weight pressing on their shoulders. Let’s explore what the motherload is, why it’s so pervasive, and, most importantly, how women can begin to share this load.

What Is the Motherload?

The motherload is more than just the tasks you do. It’s the responsibility of making sure those tasks get done. It’s not just remembering to buy milk—it’s keeping an ongoing mental inventory of everything in the fridge. It’s not just booking a doctor’s appointment—it’s noticing that your child hasn’t been feeling well and remembering to follow up. It’s managing both the tasks themselves and the emotional labour of thinking about them.

Some examples of invisible labour include:

Keeping track of family schedules and appointments.
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates.
Managing children’s schoolwork, activities, and social lives.
Planning meals, shopping for groceries, and preparing food.
Mediating conflicts and supporting the emotional well-being of others.

While these tasks may seem small on their own, they add up.The constant mental juggling can lead to stress, fatigue, and feelings of being undervalued.

Why Does the Motherload Fall on Women?

There’s no single reason why women carry the bulk of the mental load. Instead, it’s a combination of cultural, historical, and social factors:

Cultural Expectations: Many societies still associate caregiving and household management with women. Even in households where both partners work, women are often expected to take the lead on family responsibilities.
Generational Patterns: Women may have grown up watching their mothers or grandmothers carry the mental load and internalised this as their role.
Invisible Work: Because much of this labour happens in the background, it’s often overlooked. Others may not even realise how much planning and coordination is involved.
Difficulty Delegating: Many women struggle to delegate tasks, fearing they’ll be judged if something goes wrong or feeling it’s easier to "just do it myself."

The Impact of the Motherload

Carrying the motherload can take a serious toll on mental health and well-being. Women often experience:

Burnout: Chronic stress from juggling too many responsibilities without adequate support.
Guilt and Shame: Feeling like they’re not doing “enough” despite overwhelming workloads.
Strained Relationships: Resentment can build when the load isn’t shared equally.
Identity Loss: Losing touch with personal goals or interests under the weight of caregiving and responsibilities.

It’s important to recognise that these feelings are not a reflection of personal failure. They’re the result of systemic issues and societal expectations that place an unfair burden on women.

How to Lighten the Load

The good news is that the motherload doesn’t have to be carried alone. Here are some practical strategies to start sharing the weight:

1. Name the Problem

The first step is to recognise and articulate the invisible labour you’re doing. Write down all the tasks you manage, both big and small.Share this list with your partner, family, or housemates to create awareness. Sometimes, people aren’t aware of the sheer volume of work you’re managing until they see it laid out.

2. Start the Conversation

Once you’ve identified the problem, it’s time to have an honest conversation. Explain how the mental load is affecting you emotionally and physically. Be clear about what you need—whether it’s practical help, emotional support, or simply acknowledgment of your efforts.

3. Delegate and Let Go

Sharing the load means trusting others to take on tasks. This can be challenging, especially if you’re used to doing everything yourself. Remember, it’s okay if others don’t do things exactly the way you would. What matters is that the task gets done and you get some relief.

4. Set Boundaries

Learn to say no to tasks or commitments that don’t serve your well-being. This might mean setting limits with work, family, or social obligations. Protecting your time and energy is an essential act of self-care.

5. Create Systems

Streamline responsibilities by creating systems that everyone in the household can follow. For example, set up a shared calendar for appointments or create a rotating chore chart. These systems can help distribute tasks more evenly and reduce your mental burden.

How a Psychologist Can Help

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the motherload, working with a psychologist can provide support and strategies tailored to your needs.Here’s how therapy can help:

Identify Patterns: A psychologist can help you uncover the underlying beliefs or patterns that contribute to your mental load. For example, you might feel pressure to “do it all” because of societal expectations or personal perfectionism.
Develop Coping Skills: Therapy can teach you stress management techniques, such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, or time management strategies, to help you cope with the mental and emotional toll of the motherload.
Build Communication Skills: If you’re struggling to ask for help or set boundaries, a psychologist can guide you in having constructive conversations with your partner, family, or workplace about sharing responsibilities.
Address Guilt and Shame: Many women feel guilt when they try to prioritise their own needs. Therapy can help you reframe self-care as essential rather than selfish.
Explore Underlying Issues: Sometimes, the motherload is tied to deeper feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, or fear of judgment. A psychologist can help you work through these emotions and build self-compassion.

The Importance of Community

In addition to therapy, connecting with other women who understand the challenges of invisible labour can be incredibly validating.Consider joining a support group, talking with friends, or finding online communities where women share strategies and encouragement. You’re not alone in this journey.

Final Thoughts

The motherload may be invisible, but its weight is very real. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, know that it’s not a personal failing—it’sa sign that you’re carrying too much. By naming the problem, sharing the weight, and seeking support, you can begin to lighten the load and reclaim your well-being.

As a psychologist, I’m here to remind you that your needs matter. You deserve help, rest, and recognition. Let’s work together to unpack the motherload and create a life that feels more balanced and fulfilling. Remember, sharing the weight isn’t just about reducing stress—it’s about creating a more equitable and supportive environment where everyone can thrive.

About the Author

I'm a psychologist dedicated to supporting women in navigating life's challenges. My goal is to provide a safe space where you can explore your experiences and find strategies that work for you. You're welcome to contact me for more information or to book a consultation.

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