Develop your most important relationship - With yourself
December 7, 2023
I’ve noticed a common theme when I work with women in therapy. I often hear how difficult it is for them to love themselves. Many of them are compassionate, kind, and selfless with others, yet they struggle to show the same care and grace to themselves. Why is self-love so hard for women? Let’s explore the deeper roots of this challenge and how we can start to address it.
Self-love is more than just a buzzword; it’s a way of being, thinking, and acting toward yourself. It includes internal acceptance of all your thoughts and emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, and consistent actions that reflect warmth and unconditional regard for yourself.
But self-love isn’t something we’re naturally taught. For many women, it feels intimidating in its broadness. What does it truly mean? And how do we cultivate it while living in a world filled with demands, expectations, and conflicting messages about what it means to be a woman?
From childhood, many women are bombarded with “shoulds.” You should be kind, sweet, and respectful. You should work harder to prove yourself. You should prioritise others’ needs over your own. These messages often come from caregivers, teachers, and cultural norms, shaping how women view themselves.
As adults, these "shoulds" turn into internalised beliefs: “I should always have it together,” “I should be hardworking and selfless,” or “I should be small and quiet.” This conditional way of thinking sets women up for a version of self-love that feels out of reach—only attainable if they meet impossible and often conflicting expectations.
These societal "shoulds" create a framework for conditional self-love. Women often feel they can only love themselves if they’ve checked every box: being successful, attractive, kind, and composed at all times. When they fall short, self-love feels impossible.
This mindset is reinforced by the world around us. What parent or teacher doesn’t appreciate the quiet, polite, and hardworking girl? These behaviours are praised, but they come at the cost of a woman’s ability to express her full range of emotions and needs. Add to this the societal pressures questioning women’s rights and worth, and the path to self-love becomes even more fraught.
Women often find themselves in caregiving roles—nurturing children, supporting partners, and caring for aging parents. With so much of their energy focused on others, they often forget to leave space for themselves. This self-neglect can make self-love feel like an impossible luxury.
The good news is that self-love is a skill you can develop over time, whether on your own or with the support of a psychologist. Here are some steps to help you get started:
Begin by identifying the “shoulds” in your life. These are the rules and expectations you feel you must meet to be worthy of love. Write them down, then question their origins. Ask yourself: Where did I learn this? Is it serving me? A psychologist can help you uncover deeper beliefs and support you in replacing harmful “shoulds” with self-affirming truths.
When your inner critic flares up, pause and ask, Would I speak to a loved one this way? Replace self-criticism with kind, understanding thoughts. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t believe I failed at that,” try, “I tried my best, and I can learn from this.” A psychologist can help you develop tools for self-compassion that feel natural and effective.
Self-love often means saying no to things that drain your energy or compromise your well-being. This could mean setting limits with family, saying no to extra work projects, or carving out time for yourself. Boundaries are an act of love, not selfishness. A psychologist can help you identify where you need boundaries and how to enforce them with confidence.
Self-love doesn’t require grand gestures. Start small. Celebrate when you make time for yourself, treat yourself kindly, or achieve a personal goal, no matter how minor it seems. Gratitude for small wins helps reinforce a loving relationship with yourself.
Self-love doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. What makes you feel cared for and supported? It could be spending time outdoors, journaling, meditating, or even enjoying a hobby. A psychologist can guide you in defining what self-love means to you and help you build a routine that incorporates it into your daily life.
Working with a psychologist can offer a safe, supportive space to unpack the barriers to self-love. Together, we can:
The journey to self-love isn’t about erasing all the messages women have absorbed; it’s about untangling them and choosing which ones to keep. It’s about challenging the idea that love must be earned through perfection and embracing the idea that you are worthy of love simply because you exist.
While the path to self-love may not be easy, it is one of the most transformative gifts women can give themselves. Loving yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And as you grow in self-love, you model for others—partners, children, colleagues—that they, too, are worthy of the same care and kindness.
If you’re ready to start this journey, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Whether through therapy, community, or self-reflection, there is a way forward.
I'm a psychologist dedicated to supporting women in navigating life's challenges. My goal is to provide a safe space where you can explore your experiences and find strategies that work for you. You're welcome to contact me for more information or to book a consultation
Stay informed about the latest research in psychology.
Lifes Puzzles and associated complexities
Explore the factors that lead to yelling and how to break the cycle.
More than just an issue of fairness
.webp)
